You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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