Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
