I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
