I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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