Can Purell be used as lube?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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