I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
