At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
