have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
