He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
