that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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