Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
