I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
