i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize