never play flip cup with pint glasses
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
