how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
