I cannot find my penis.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
