The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
