why didn't you poke me back
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
