you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
