direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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