My liver just broke up with me...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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