I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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