My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
