I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize