Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
