Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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