I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
