hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
