Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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