What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
