I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize