just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
