I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
