He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it because I queefed?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
