Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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