were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
