Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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