We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
