I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
