he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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