Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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