Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
