non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
