she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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