I wish my penis had an off switch
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
