I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
