I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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