You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
