i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
