I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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