Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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