please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
