Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
