Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
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