i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
