boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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