if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
