Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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