on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
