She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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