he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
