Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
