I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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