that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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