he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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