Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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