I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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