he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
