broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
