so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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