the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
