That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
