I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
